38 Ways to Shock, Annoy and Amuse Remus Lupin
by Werewolves-Oh-My
Summary: Its just so hard to resist. When someone looks as attractive as Remus does when he's annoyed and flustered, how can you not push his buttons? RLSB


"_**Sirius?"**_

"_**Yes, love?"**_

"_**What are you writing...?"**_

"_**Oh, that's hardly important, its just some little notes for myself."**_

"_**I can see my name at the top of it."**_

"_**You're name's at the top of everything in my life."**_

"_**Yes yes, but its incorporated in the title here. Just give it to -"**_

" _**- no, its my notes, I want -"**_

" _**- aha! thank y -"**_

"_**Damn werewolf reflexes..."**_

"_**Sirius? What the HELL is this?"**_

* * *

**Thirty Eight Ways to Shock, Annoy and Amuse Remus Lupin, By Sirius Black  
**

Number One: Put salt in his peppermint tea.

Number Two: Replace his wand with a stick from the forest (then get ever so slightly annoyed when he still manages to cast spells with it)

Number Three: Tell everyone that Lily and Remus have raunchy sex in Filch's office (added benefit of annoying Lily, James, Filch and Mrs Norris).

Number Four: Wear a little red cloak around the dormitory, and occasionally stating 'why Remus, what big eyes/ears/teeth you have'

Number Five: Bribe Remus with a big ol' pile of chocolate into filling in for the Griffindor keeper against Hufflepuff, then make some massive catherine-wheel fireworks go off around each ring.

Number Six: Put a pack of cat treats in his school bag.

Number Seven: Hand him a large strip of condoms in the great hall with a wink and a slap on the back, whispering (quite loudly) that people sleeping with Professor Sprout should always use protection.

Number Eight: Replacing his old classic records with Sex Pistols and Buzzcocks ("THAT WAS AN ORIGINAL SGT PEPPER RECORD, SIRIUS" "Oh please, in 20 years no one will ever remember the Bootles. Cock Sparrer, however...")

Number Nine: Employ 3 house elves to follow Remus round for 3 days, stating 'Our Lord has come to take us to mecca" once every ten minutes.

Number Ten: Get dog hair on his bed cover.

Number Eleven: Describe, with intense attention to detail, the best blowjob you ever received from Remus to a captive Griffindor audience (whilst James gags next to him).

Number Twelve: Get rid of every right shoe in the dormitory. (also annoys Peter, though James enjoyed the barefooted freedom...)

Number Thirteen: Put permanent sticking charms on posters of Remus across the school, with the words 'accused of crimes against kittens' scrawled across the bottom. Earned Remus a fair few evil glares in the first few weeks.

Number Fourteen: "Professor Slughorn? I feel the need to inform the class at this moment in time that Remus has a massive, monstrously large, gryffin sized co-" "mmon toad. _Sirius shut the hell up or I will pull every single hair from your body, strand by strand." _"But Moony, these people need to know how fantastically large your pe-" "ople skills are. _Shut up right now or no sex for a year." *silence*_

Number Fifteen: Arrange to temporarily transfer rooms with Eddie Smith; the handsy seventh year whose attraction to Remus was palpable.

Number Sixteen: Convince almost 3/4 of the school to call Remus 'the sexy marauder' (only Lily and the Slitherins refused, much to Sirius' chagrin.)

Number Seventeen: Play footsie with Remus' groin in Transfiguration.

Number Eighteen: Throw Remus into the great lake after lacing the water with a strong squid aphrodisiac.

Number Nineteen: Seduce Remus, tell him to meet you in the astronomy tower at midnight, then dress in full Monkey costume and wait, throwing bananas and making ape noises as soon as he enters.

Number Twenty: Buy a flying motorbike.

Number Twenty One: Strap Remus to said motorbike and turn it on (should be noted; tracking device should be attached to bike so that in the future finding Remus in the middle of the new forest is a much more speedy process)

Number Twenty Two: Glue a dairy milk chocolate bar to the ceiling directly above Remus' bed with a permanent sticking charm.

Number Twenty Three: Paint Remus' toenails bright pink, and charm it to remain that way for at least a year.

Number Twenty Four: Get a fake transfer tattoo (as realistic as possible) of Kreacher's corpse, and convince Remus that its permanent.

Number Twenty Five: Lick Remus in the hours pre-moon, when the wolf _loves _being licked.

Number Twenty Six: Lick Remus at every other time of the month, when Remus secretly _loves _being licked.

Number Twenty Seven: Propose to Remus using one of Lily's old rings.

Number Twenty Eight: Kidnap James, write a ransom note to Lily saying Remus has to collect James from the room of requirement, then tie Remus up with the ropes and employ James to fire ping pong balls toward Remus' head.

Number Twenty Nine: Put a magnetising charm on Remus' hands and cutlery, so that whenever the two come near one another a force pushes them apart.

Number Thirty: Hire 17 first years to come up to their dorm, stand around Remus' bed and peer unnervingly at him as he wakes.

Number Thirty One: wrap Remus' bed in crepe paper.

Number Thirty Two: Shave James' hair off, then place the scraps of hair and shearers around Remus' bed.

Number Thirty Three: Tell Professor McGonnagal about the astounding size of Remus' genitals.

Number Thirty Four: Hide Remus' chocolate stash.

Number Thirty Five: Pierce his ear while he's sleeping; "What the HELL, Sirius?" "Right ear's the queer ear, yeah?" "Pads, you've clearly pierced my left ear you moron." "Oops. Oh well, hold still, we'll get that other ear done in a jiffy..." "NO!"

Number Thirty Six: Make everyone stare at Remus' forehead with a frown during conversations until he gets paranoid enough to ask if he's got something there.

Number Thirty Seven: Get a pole installed in the dormitories, then invite as many people as possible into the dorm to watch Remus 'perform'.

Number Thirty Eight: Introduce Remus to the multiple uses of peanut butter during sex._**  
**_

* * *

"_**Care to explain?"**_

"_**Well, darling, I love you and think you look entirely adorable when looking annoyed. So I thought I would write down my favourite ways to annoy you, so that future prankers who have fantastically attractive annoyed people around them can draw inspiration from my work."**_

"_**Number 38; Introduce Remus to the multiple uses of peanut butter during sex. Sirius, we've never done that."**_

"_**Of course not, darling. It starts off as more of a to do list, I've just completed 37 of them. However, I happen to have a jar of tesco's best upstairs, want to make that 38 out of 38?"**_

"_**No."**_

" _**- But -"**_

"_**No."**_

"_**I have some chocolate body spread too for use post-peanut butter?"**_

_***Sigh* "it better not be the chunky kind."**_

_**

* * *

**_R&R! I had fun writing this, I hope you enjoyed it :)


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